Tell your heart to beat again..

On the 15th of October I took a pregnancy test- we were trying to have a baby but felt that this month our chance had come and gone. So I took the test- there was a faint positive! Immediately I called a friend of mine to ask whether that meant I was pregnant even if it was faint.. Yep! You’re pregnant she almost yelled (as I scrambled to txt her a photo of the test). When we have news to tell we go big.. I pulled out a onesie I had bought for Greg which said “I’m awesome like dad” and placed the pregnancy test in the little pocket.

We had some washing on an indoor clothes horse so I pegged the little onesie to it and set up the laptop to record Greg’s response..

Fast forward- Greg was helping me take the clothes off the line when he started taking ALL the clothing off the line around the onesie but not the onesie- at this stage I was pretty much ticking so I pointed the onesie out to him to which he replied- “Yeah? Did you wash some of the baby stuff we had?” (someone had gifted us some baby clothes already) and then it all clicked when he saw the test hanging out the side. He was so shocked and excited! We made a plan to go over to my mums house and give her a mug we had made which said “I’m going to be an Oma again.” We were going out-of-town the following morning for a church trip so we wanted to tell her before we left.

There were lots of tears and congratulations- I ended up taking 3 tests- all of which were faint but still positives. It was something I will never forget!

Fast forward that weekend- it became a blur of church services, telling my best friend and taking more pregnancy tests. The problem was- the pregnancy test results were getting more faint rather than stronger- we thought it could be the time I was taking them or maybe I was super early which is why it wasn’t getting any stronger overnight.

I went to the doctor’s the day after we got home- they expedited the results so we could have confirmation of the pregnancy that afternoon. I sat in the waiting room for what felt like hours after work (but was only about 40min)- when the results came in it wasn’t good news. We had lost the pregnancy. I’ll spare you all the yuck details of everything else but it was such a devastating time in our lives.

In Australia, 1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage. Not much is said on the subject- normally it’s in the first trimester (too early to share with friends) so you grieve in silence- your family may know, your spouse or partner, but the community is unaware. The people you do life with are in the dark so you’re torn between hating them for not caring or showing support and then realising you are crazy because they don’t know. I remember praying that through some jedi-mind trick someone would just know and say all the right things to me..

An ocean of tears were shed between Greg and I- questions of why and how –  I can only assume it would be more devastating actually hearing a heart beat and seeing your sweet baby on the ultrasound and then watching it pass from this world to the next.

We decided we wanted to try again as soon as we were able. It came with it’s own mental battles this time around- trying not to think of what had happened or feeling worry at the possible thought that we couldn’t get pregnant…but thankfully- not long after this we were pregnant again!

We have watched God fashion her limbs and her heart. We’ve seen her tiny fingers and her beautiful nose.

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We have watched as my belly has gone from somewhat of a burger belly (for the first 4 months) to a full baby belly (and is still continuing to grow).

At my doctors appointments they always start the conversation off by saying- so this is your first pregnancy, to which I always reply- no- second pregnancy but first baby.

To quote a comment I read last week from a band called Phillips, Craig and Dean “There’s so many  people who have experienced so much brokenness to their heart. And even though God the great surgeon has saved us and repaired us, covered us with His grace, sometimes it takes you and me to tell our own heart “beat again, love again, hope again.”

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