Are we done…?

IMG_2553.JPGLast night as my husband and I divided and conquered showers, bottles and bed times for our two girls he looked at me (as I passed our 3 month old out of the shower) and said “no more..” I knew exactly what he was saying and feeling and wholeheartedly agreed!

I doubt I’ll look back at this post and laugh with a growing belly.. but I guess who knows.. never say never people keep telling me..

My reasoning was- if I didn’t shed tears when I packed away the three zero clothing of Raegan’s or when I packed away the bassinet and baby bath for the last time that that meant I was done.. I’m not someone who has emotional attachment to things- you can ask any of my family members.. new car- cool.. new house- cool.. things can come and go and I really wouldn’t be phased.. what am I attached to? I don’t know.. I’m still trying to figure that out.. but I digress.. no tears were shed, no heart strings were pulled.. I didn’t feel sentimental or overcome by a feeling of loss. It wasn’t a hard or long road like many others I know and for that I will forever be grateful. But all that being said I think we’re done. I never felt “done” after Ava.. I always knew we would have number 2 but this time it seems pretty final.

Only after watching Maria Kondo’s organisation show did I get together little boxes of sentimental things for our family- never assuming that they would value that stuff (if the word stuff doesn’t show you how non-sentimental I am I don’t know what will..haha) later in life.

Deciding not to have more children is monumental- I know. It’s something that I’ve been praying about it and asking for the Lord’s direction on. I’ve seen people mourn over the decision, talk about a sense of loss or sadness but not me and I guess that’s what makes us all unique.  How about you? Do you feel like you’re done or is there a niggling feeling in your heart for another baby?

Everything for Him..

A couple of years ago if you were to hear Christian Mum in a sentence I think most would picture a homely looking woman, perhaps home-schooling her children with a swear jar on the counter.. okay maybe not.. thank you Instagram and FB- the modern Christian mum is young and hip looking, juggles multiple jobs while volunteering at her local church and pre-school. Perhaps she makes grain free banana muffins on the weekends and she posts pictures of cool looking food oh and her kids wear lots and lots of linen and never poxy pink tutus (guilty as charged..) Hats off to you if you are hip and with it.. I find myself striving to be this “modern Christian mum” swayed by Instagram and Facebook. I was listening to a podcast (crazy right.. 2 kids at home and a podcast playing.. it actually only lasted 15 minutes but more on that later..) this morning of a sermon titled “Everything for Him.” It was like a slap in the face if I’m being honest.. The sermon was based on the scripture: “Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:3

I am the first to admit that I am struggling with embracing this season of my life. I’ve been on maternity leave for just over 12 weeks now and I can’t say the going has got any easier. It’s not that the girls are “hard”- by no means are they “hard”- we have been blessed with great eaters and sleepers. Having worked outside of the home since I was 16 (minus one year that was spent overseas) it has been hard to put the working Steph aside and take on mum Steph full time. Yes, I still volunteer at Church and have heaps of work there that I love doing, but you know that I mean. I almost resent my husband each morning as he gets his clothes on and leaves the house. I feel a twinge every time I hear the garage open knowing that I’ll see him in 8 or 9 hours.

Today I was really feeling it- that utter spiral of “is this what my life has been reduced to..”, “will I ever get to go back to work..”, “I wonder if I can end my maternity leave early..”, “I don’t want any more children”.. couple all of that with a massive blow out that actually saw me throw out a singlet (it wasn’t worth trying to save), a cold (that I’ve had since Saturday night) and an untidy pantry and spare room. This may seem ridiculous to you but for someone who thrives in organisation and ‘everything in its place’ I was beside myself.. and then I turned on the podcast. To be honest I’m only about 15 minutes in- the kids woke up so I had to pause it until maybe Friday (haha.. just kidding..but really) but just the idea of “all for the Glory of God” made me really stop and look at my life.

If you find yourself in the trenches of motherhood not knowing when the fog will clear or when you may have even a sliver of independence back let me remind you “all for the Glory of God.” From the minute your child makes a noise in the morning it’s go-go-go (today my day started at I know exactly how you feel).. It’s hard to remember that everything I’m doing is for the Glory of God. As I washed another load of dishes, waiting for the familiar ding of the washing machine to finish the second load…

…hang on…time out…Raegan has woken up…I’ll be back…

Okay back…

..this is life at the moment..full of interruptions..but all for the Glory of God! My prayer is that my kids and husband see the love of God in everything I say and do.. as I cook another meal my prayer is that my family feel the provision of God and know that we are blessed to have what we have. Every dish in the sink means we had food to eat, every load of laundry means we had clothes to wear, every vacuum of the house means we had walls and a roof over our head to live in, every day of maternity leave means we had the finances for me to raise our children full time- when you look at it through the glory of God you really do see it differently..

I challenge you mumma- this week, start looking at things with “All for the glory of God” in mind!

Here’s an iPhone wallpaper I’ve designed to remind you!

Just click on the image and save to your camera roll.

A letter to my first baby..

14987979562151837706You my darling girl are one of the greatest things your father and I have ever been a part of creating. I couldn’t help but let a few tears fall when I realised that you were not going to be my only baby come April. You have only known the undivided and devoted love of your dada and mama but come April there will be another set of tiny little feet in our home. I’m not worried about loving you less or loving your new sister as much, I believe everyone when they say that my heart will grow, but I am mourning the loss of not being a family of three anymore.

Over the past few weeks you have been spontaneously telling me that you love me- my heart feels like it’s going to explode every time – I image it’s how the Lord feels when His children tell Him they love Him, spontaneously.

You have been talking about the baby in mummy’s tummy almost every day- we talk about her eyes and ears and how she’s going to watch Banana in Pajama’s with you. We talk about how she is going to be your best friend and how you’re going to help mumma give her a bottle and wash her hair. I’m sure you will never remember doing this but often you check my belly with my iphone charge cord – one end around your neck the other against my belly- I’m assuming you’re copying the sonographer- you are one smart little girl my baby!

Today you asked to pray for the Baby. I bowed my head, you closed your eyes and you prayed “Dear Jesus, I pray for Baby Raegan, in Jesus Name, Amen.” You went on to pray for the stuffed animal that you were holding as well but I’m sure it’s because you were feeling the presence of God. I don’t know what your little heart was trying to convey to Jesus about your new sister but I know He heard you.

You are going to be the most amazing sister and friend… I know this because you are an amazing gift from God.

We love you forever and always.


10 days on..

Leaves and Lemons Border Vintage Baby Shower PosterAva has been in our lives for 10 days now. What an incredible 10 days it has been. It’s amazing to think that this little person didn’t exist 9 months ago and yet here she is on the outside- feeding and sleeping like a champion! All those scans and pin pricks, the check ups and the preparation- everything for those 9 months led us to today. Looking down at my daughter I can’t help but get emotional as to how amazing God truly is.

Ava has been growing well. Because I received an early discharge from hospital (we were going stir crazy) we’ve had a few follow-up visits from a midwife at home. Everything has checked out fine a week on- Ava’s almost back to her birth weight which is great. A little Vitamin D deficient (which is quite common)- we went for a big walk yesterday in the sun to try and naturally help that (I think she got a little sun burnt- oops!!!) Reminder #1- buy some baby sunscreen!

We were prepared for parenthood in that we had nappies (diapers), bottles, a cot- all the material things you need to have a baby at home but nothing prepared me for the weight of responsibility I would feel after bringing our daughter home. People warned me of the 3 day cry- apparently your hormones drop off after birth around day 3 and lots of tears can ensue- let’s just say I’ve had the tears on day 3, day 5, day 7, day 8…

I’m sure there are various contributing factors to the tears:

  • Lack of sleep
  • Being mummy 24/7 for the past 10 days
  • Not going into work and having that social interaction

It has been a massive learning curve which I know will continue for the rest of her life- I’m comforted by the thought that she won’t be this little forever though! Of course we don’t want time to go too fast but at the moment I want to seriously bubble wrap her.

She had her first and second vomit yesterday- we think it may have been the amount of orange juice I drank- I bawled like a baby when she threw up. I have seriously turned into that parent… Did I mention that Greg and I stayed up looking at a video of her farting once she went to sleep earlier this week? We promised ourselves that we wouldn’t become those people.. We hang our heads in shame..

I got out of the house on Tuesday night which was amazing! Ava stayed home with daddy.. He did well until it was time to  burp her- after a few failed attempts he texted and let me know that he would just hold her until I got home, accompanied by this photo (we’ve come up with some great captions it..):

IMG_1128 It was quite funny.. Of course she eventually fell asleep 2 minutes before I walked in the door. It was nice going into Church and playing the piano again (I haven’t touched a piano in 2 weeks)!

Overall the beginnings of motherhood have been full of high’s and low’s- I can’t believe we’re already 10 days in and at the same time I can’t believe we’re only 10 days in!

We are so grateful for family and friends who have surrounded us with so much love and support- we couldn’t have done it without them!

Ava, my baby girl- you are so loved..

..and so the journey continues.

Tell your heart to beat again..

On the 15th of October I took a pregnancy test- we were trying to have a baby but felt that this month our chance had come and gone. So I took the test- there was a faint positive! Immediately I called a friend of mine to ask whether that meant I was pregnant even if it was faint.. Yep! You’re pregnant she almost yelled (as I scrambled to txt her a photo of the test). When we have news to tell we go big.. I pulled out a onesie I had bought for Greg which said “I’m awesome like dad” and placed the pregnancy test in the little pocket.

We had some washing on an indoor clothes horse so I pegged the little onesie to it and set up the laptop to record Greg’s response..

Fast forward- Greg was helping me take the clothes off the line when he started taking ALL the clothing off the line around the onesie but not the onesie- at this stage I was pretty much ticking so I pointed the onesie out to him to which he replied- “Yeah? Did you wash some of the baby stuff we had?” (someone had gifted us some baby clothes already) and then it all clicked when he saw the test hanging out the side. He was so shocked and excited! We made a plan to go over to my mums house and give her a mug we had made which said “I’m going to be an Oma again.” We were going out-of-town the following morning for a church trip so we wanted to tell her before we left.

There were lots of tears and congratulations- I ended up taking 3 tests- all of which were faint but still positives. It was something I will never forget!

Fast forward that weekend- it became a blur of church services, telling my best friend and taking more pregnancy tests. The problem was- the pregnancy test results were getting more faint rather than stronger- we thought it could be the time I was taking them or maybe I was super early which is why it wasn’t getting any stronger overnight.

I went to the doctor’s the day after we got home- they expedited the results so we could have confirmation of the pregnancy that afternoon. I sat in the waiting room for what felt like hours after work (but was only about 40min)- when the results came in it wasn’t good news. We had lost the pregnancy. I’ll spare you all the yuck details of everything else but it was such a devastating time in our lives.

In Australia, 1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage. Not much is said on the subject- normally it’s in the first trimester (too early to share with friends) so you grieve in silence- your family may know, your spouse or partner, but the community is unaware. The people you do life with are in the dark so you’re torn between hating them for not caring or showing support and then realising you are crazy because they don’t know. I remember praying that through some jedi-mind trick someone would just know and say all the right things to me..

An ocean of tears were shed between Greg and I- questions of why and how –  I can only assume it would be more devastating actually hearing a heart beat and seeing your sweet baby on the ultrasound and then watching it pass from this world to the next.

We decided we wanted to try again as soon as we were able. It came with it’s own mental battles this time around- trying not to think of what had happened or feeling worry at the possible thought that we couldn’t get pregnant…but thankfully- not long after this we were pregnant again!

We have watched God fashion her limbs and her heart. We’ve seen her tiny fingers and her beautiful nose.



We have watched as my belly has gone from somewhat of a burger belly (for the first 4 months) to a full baby belly (and is still continuing to grow).

At my doctors appointments they always start the conversation off by saying- so this is your first pregnancy, to which I always reply- no- second pregnancy but first baby.

To quote a comment I read last week from a band called Phillips, Craig and Dean “There’s so many  people who have experienced so much brokenness to their heart. And even though God the great surgeon has saved us and repaired us, covered us with His grace, sometimes it takes you and me to tell our own heart “beat again, love again, hope again.”

Recommended Apps

Today I bring you my top recommended apps! There are a lot of apps to choose from on iTunes if you put in the word “pregnancy” but the below have been tried by yours truly (and the husband) and are definitely the cream of the crop.


For those with gestational diabetes- MySugr

At this stage I’m only having to input my blood glucose levels however you can also put in your carbs, pills, how you’re feeling, reasons for possible high or low readings- you can also add in reminders and pictures. This app has been a lifesaver!

For those first time dad’s- Who’s Your Daddy?

With this being our first baby I wanted to find an app for Greg that was more visually appealing than What to Expect. The app comes with a built in checklist, contraction counter, weekly updates and daily tips. When setting up the app you input the name of your partner/spouse and child to be (if you have decided) and it personalizes the information each week.

A little side story- I came home late one night last week to Greg cleaning our toilets. This is normally his job but only when we’re “officially” cleaning the house. Apparently this app had mentioned that I was probably spending more time in the bathroom with all the extra weight pressing on my bladder. It has to be one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen him do!

For those first time (and 2nd, 3rd, 4th time) parents- What to Expect and The Bump

What to Expect is very informative as it details where your baby is at week by week. It also has built in videos for each week which goes into depth as to the milestones your baby is hitting. For most, the forum section on the app is fantastic! You can join one of the thousands of groups and share opinions and ideas with ladies from around the world. Personally, I was becoming obsessive about every little tweak I felt, or if another woman was experiencing something it started worrying me if I hadn’t felt that, so I decided to just completely ignore the forums. Each to his own.

As for The Bump- it is a very similar app to What to expect. I like the visual fruit and vegetables it gives for the size of the baby and the app, in general, is a lot more visually appealing.

If you use Instagram or Facebook- Baby Pics

This app is seriously so cute! They have banners that can be added to pictures categorized in themes: Dates, Holidays, Baby’s Firsts, On the Daily, Pregnancy etc

This app is modern and super easy to use!

For those that are pregnant- Dashlane

The amount of things I have forgotten while being pregnant is hilarious. Just yesterday I sent my husband off to work with his lunch which consisted of two slices of bread. I hadn’t put anything on the bread, or given him a spread for the bread- just two slices of bread. That is my most recent bout of forgetfulness! Dashlane stores all your passwords for all different social platforms (as well as computers, banks etc) in one place. Obviously you can’t be too careful so I have simply used it for general passwords which seem to be escaping me of late!

Sporty Baby

Bonds still have a major sale on at the moment so you’ll be able to pick up the leggings for 40% off. As for the Nike shoes- I know they’re a bit of overkill for little kids (and all white!) but we used a cute little pair for our pregnancy announcement so I couldn’t not include them!Sporty Baby

one – baby girls denim dress

two – pearl hair bow

three – nike air max 90 mesh

four – baby bonds stretchies splash floral leggings

Pregnancy announcement below!

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Ballerina Baby

I am loving all the baby girl items I am seeing in stores- below are a few of my favourites that I came across last week!

On a side note it’s incredible that they can charge so much for something so small but this being our first little baby I have definitely turned a little bit of a blind eye to the prices!Ballerina

one – baby girls lurex knit dress

two – baby girls fur vest

three – baby girl’s lyla baby shoe

four – secret garden crown headband

five – baby party tights

(BONDS have a 40% off everything sale at the moment!)

It’s a girl!

29th of March, 3pm

Greg, my mother and I had all made our way to our local ultrasound office- this was the moment we had been waiting for. Our (my mother, sister and I) hearts were set on a boy.

I lay down on that table, praying that we would see something between those itty bitty legs. As usual the technician had me empty my bladder (every.single.time) because he couldn’t see anything and off we went. 10 fingers, 10 toes, heart beat, an arm, a knee everything looked perfect..gender time.. It’s a girl!

I cried..and I cried a lot.. I was so grateful that our little baby was growing healthy and whole, I was grateful that we had even made it to an ultrasound with this pregnancy but A GIRL! We finished up the scan with tears streaming down my face. We sat in the waiting room anxious to get the little wallet picture to show our family and friends:


After sending my husband off to the gym and saying bye to my mum I got home and started sorting through the bags of clothes I had been given years ago (they were mainly boys clothes with a few girls items mixed in). I then called my dad. When I told him the news he laughed and said (and I quote) “I’m cursed to have only girls!” (I have 2 sisters) He then went on to explain that he thought girls were better and how father’s could be very hard on their sons (especially in his culture). Right then and there I thought he deserved an A+ in parenting.

By the time dinner came around I had fully embraced having a baby girl! How fickle hormones can be!

So here we are, playing the waiting game at 28 weeks.

With a 3D ultrasound in tow Baby Ava is almost here!